::Guest Post:: 5 Things I Know About Mom Guilt
5 Things I Know About Mom Guilt
by Jaklyn Andrews, Oakville Family Birth
Mom guilt: it’s coming for you.
1. It starts early.
I thought I would be one of those fit pregnancy goddesses but all I want to do is eat chips on the couch.
I want an epidural but I feel like I’m supposed to try for a natural birth.
If I don’t get off to a good start with breastfeeding, I’ll be doomed to fail.
Even before your baby is born, the mom guilt traps are laid. There are things to plan, things to buy, things to learn. Choices! With every choice, there is an opportunity for guilt.
2. It never lets up.
The little one has no interest in books. He’ll probably never learn to read.
The older one has a speech impediment. We should have put her in preschool.
I think the dog feels neglected. We might need to get another dog to keep him company.
In some ways, mom guilt gets worse over time. Once the baby stage is over and we realize we’re not only responsible for keeping our little humans alive but we also need to make sure they turn out to be decent people, the pressure increases. As our babies grow, we find ever more things to feel guilty about.
3. It happens to all of us.
I want to stay home with my kids but I think it would disappoint my parents.
I can’t wait to go back to work but I feel bad about looking forward to leaving the baby.
My husband and I agreed on having lots of kids but I don’t think I can go through that all over again.
I should call my friends. I should call my mom. I should shower more often.
The guilt follows you wherever you go, regardless of the choices you make. Mom guilt is a lose-lose situation; you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t, so to speak, when it comes to your pregnancy, birth and parenting choices. Even when you try your very best to do the very best for your family, you’ll inevitably neglect some other aspect of your life because there are only 24 hours in a day and there is only one of you.
4. We’re great at easing the guilt of others, but never our own.
“You can’t pour from an empty cup.”
“You have to put your own mask on first.”
“Happy mommy, happy baby!”
We’re so good at encouraging each other, us women. We’re so supportive…of others. From what I’ve seen though, we have trouble taking our own advice. We preach about self-care but we rarely care for ourselves. We hold our mothering to unreasonably high standards and we feel guilty for not living up to those standards.
5. We’re better off without it.
That goes without saying, doesn’t it?
Does it?
We know there are about a thousand things we shouldn’t give a crap about. We know it doesn’t matter what other people think about our birth and parenting choices as long as we do what works best for our family. Still, we worry about what others will think and we judge ourselves too. I wish I had the golden ticket to your guilt-free abyss but if I did, I’d be able to stop agonizing over my excessive coffee addiction, my growing business, my illiterate baby and generally every choice I’ve made for myself and/or my children over the last 4 years of my life. What I have been able to do for myself is hone in on one phrase that eases my mom guilt, if only a little: when I collapse into bed every night, exhausted and intimidated, I repeat to myself “I AM ENOUGH.” I’m everything my baby needs, everything my kid needs, everything I need to be happy. Can you guess what I want to say to you now? You too are enough. You’re doing great. Ditch the mom guilt and enjoy your life!
Jaklyn Andrews is a doula and childbirth educator and the owner of Oakville Family Birth. She resides in beautiful Oakville, Ontario, Canada with her husband, two kids and one dog (for now). You can find her at Oakville Family Birth and visit her on Facebook.