Should You Let Your Older Children See You Give Birth?

This is a subject that almost seems to be a bit taboo in some circles, but it really shouldn't be!

The decision of whether or not to let your older children be in the room while you are giving birth to your youngest is a very personal one. Some parents feel very strongly one way or the other. Let's discuss some of these feelings and some of the factors that go into this decision...

Is Your Child Old Enough to Understand?

Depending on how old your child is, they may or may not be able to understand what's going on. If she's just 18 months old, you don't really have to dive too deep into explaining the sights and sounds of birth and she may nap or play on your phone, ignoring you most of the time. If your child is kindergarten age or older, he'll definitely need some age-appropriate teaching on the mechanics of pregnancy and birth...and maybe even the birds and bees talk.

Will Your Child Be Scared?

Even an older grade-school aged child may not have the emotional maturity to see you in discomfort and possibly making loud groans and cries. There will also be medical equipment beeping, a high likelihood of you vomiting, and there's always going to be at least some amount of blood involved. This could terrify a child who isn't used to this part of life, or hasn't ever been in a hospital, or hasn't ever seen you ill or disrobed. Another angle to take into consideration, is the possibility of a medical emergency arising with either you or your baby which your child would witness and perhaps endure secondary trauma. On the flip side, a smooth and uncomplicated family-oriented birth can be an amazing bonding experience that strengthens your family.

Where Will You Give Birth?

Right now in most areas, COVID-19 is kind of taking care of the question for you if you are planning to give birth in the hospital. Wesley Medical Center/Birthcare Suites allows you to have one support person, typically your spouse/partner, and your doula. Via Christi has only allowed the spouse/partner for the last several months and is just now allowing doulas in again. Children are definitely not allowed due to the coronavirus concerns - so until this is either resolved or the restrictions are relaxed, having your children present is only an option if you are choosing a midwife-attended birth at home or a freestanding birth center.

How to Prepare Your Child to Witness Your Birth

1. If you plan to have your older child or children with you while you give birth, start cultivating an attitude of normalcy surrounding birth from the very beginning of your pregnancy. Honestly answer all of your child's questions about your body, the baby, how babies are made, how babies are born. Let them see the ultrasound and listen to the baby's heartbeat. Talk about how birth is a normal part of life, and it's very hard work for you to do, but this is just the way that babies are born.

2. Explain that you may make loud noises, and you may throw up, and there may be some blood, but that those are normal parts of the process and they don't have to be scared of those things. Remind them that the doctor or midwife will be taking care of you to make sure that you are safe, even if it hurts or is difficult.

3. Have someone assigned to the job of taking care of your child, not just for meals and baths but also for emotional support. This must be someone other than your spouse/partner. It can be a sibling doula, your mom, a friend, your nanny, etc. They should be a calm and easygoing person who has at least some basic knowledge of birth and can explain things at an age-appropriate level, as well as help gauge whether your child is feeling overwhelmed and needs to go into the other room or outside for a while.

4. Read books and watch videos about normal birth. These are some child-friendly birth videos to help your child prepare to see you give birth.

When my youngest was born at home, my oldest had just turned 3. He slept through my early labor, and showed mild interest and concern at frequent intervals. When active labor kicked in, we called for his "grandma", (my husband's aunt actually but she's grandma to my kids :) ) who came to play with him in the living room and make sure he was fed and dressed. He did not come into my adjacent bedroom until the baby was out. It was so sweet to show him his new baby brother, and have him cut the cord (with the midwife’s help) and watch everything the midwife was doing. He now says that he doesn’t remember when his brother was born.

Now that my kids are 8 and 5, and knowing that if I have another child in the next couple years I will likely plan another home birth or birth center delivery, I will probably discuss birth with them quite a bit and let them have a choice - to be with me (with a sibling doula waiting in the wings if they get overwhelmed), or to go to grandma's house and come back when the baby is born.

We do offer sibling doula services upon request, to be on-call 24/7 for your child's care when you go into labor. A must-have with the current hospital restrictions, especially if you don't have reliable close family in town.

If you have had a family oriented birth with your children, what tips would you add to make it a great experience? Or are you shocked at the thought of kids at your delivery?