How Will My Toddler React to the New Baby?
When your baby is about to not be the baby any more, a whole lot of wondering starts to happen. Can they really understand what's going on inside me when they touch my big belly? Do they know what it actually means to be a big brother or sister? Will they like the new baby?
Your toddler might be totally into the new baby, or totally aloof about the whole thing, but you never really know how they're going to react to becoming a big sibling until the new baby is actually here. But you like to be prepared for whatever, so here are some possible ways your big kid might react:
They might adore the baby...a lot.
They might start acting like little parents themselves. Protective of the baby, wanting to constantly hold and hug and kiss the baby, yelling “that's my baby!” if grandma comes near. They might be super into their new role – maybe a little too much. You might start wanting a little break from all the enthusiastic cuddling!
2. They might be really standoffish.
It could take a little time for your toddler to come around. After all, when you're used to feeling like the center of the universe, it's a big shock to your system to see your parents paying a lot of attention to a new little person. They're upset and angry that change has come to the house, yet they feel some familial instinct toward the baby. That's a lot of mixed emotion and big feelings!
3. They might have a meltdown.
The aforementioned big feelings are just TOO BIG for many toddlers. I mean...we're talking about the same people who lose their minds over their cup being yellow instead of orange, right? Your sweet toddler might start having a massive meltdown, or lots of small meltdowns.
They might be angry at the baby (when my second brother was born, my first brother said “put him back!”)
They're shocked at this big change in their lives and they aren't quite old enough yet to talk through their feelings and compartmentalize their emotions (hey, some of us never learn how to do that!).
4. They might show signs of regression.
Potty training going great? Er, well, it was...
Regression is super common in toddlers when there is a new baby in the home. Pottying, manners, bedtime, routines – they might act like they've forgotten everything they learned. This may be partly due to the fact that they see the baby getting so much attention, they think if they can just be a baby again too, they'll enjoy the same treatment.
5. They might do some, all, or none of these things.
Your child is unique, and your family situation is unique. Your child might be #1 one day, and #2 the next day. They might take it in stride like nothing happened, or you could be in for a wild ride over the next year. Now that you have some idea of potential reactions to expect, what are some ways that you can prepare your child for a smooth transition to siblinghood?
Engage them prenatally
Helping them build their understanding and excitement around pregnancy and birth will help reduce the shock of when it actually happens. Here are some ways to include your child:
- Read them a story about having a new baby (Franklin's Baby Sister, Baby on the Way, What Baby Needs)
- Have them feel your tummy when the baby kicks
- Show them a week-by-week pregnancy book with illustrations of the baby inside your tummy
- Take them to your prenatal appointments and explain procedures like ultrasounds and listening to the heartbeat
- Talk to them often and ask questions (how do you think you can help take care of the baby? What do you think the baby is doing in my tummy right now? Will you help me pick out the baby's clothes when he/she is born?)
2. Prepare them for the labor and delivery
Whether or not you will have your older kids at the birth is a very personal decision. There is no wrong answer here and each family must determine their comfort level. Some parents and kids would do great and find it a wonderful bonding experience to have everyone at the birth, while some would feel anxious or fearful. Try these tips whether you choose for them to observe or not:
- Show them a mild, age-appropriate birth video or slideshow (these have no bloody or scary scenes)
- Take them on your hospital tour and let them look at the equipment in the room (explain that these things make noise but they are not scary, they help moms and babies)
- Explain to them that you will be working very hard to have the baby, so you might make loud noises or look sad or upset sometimes – but that you are safe and you are going to be okay.
- Show them some of the new and interesting things that you will use for the new baby - nose syringe, tiny newborn diaper, breast pump
- Hire a sibling doula. Our sibling doulas will go on-call for you 24/7 so that you do not have to worry about who is going to watch your toddler at the hospital or in the middle of the night. Your sibling doula will meet your child beforehand so they are comfortable, and will care for them during the birth and explain the proceedings in a calm, child-friendly, and age-appropriate manner.
3. Managing after the baby arrives
Once the baby is here you'll get to see firsthand how your toddler processes it and observe their interactions with their new sibling. Keep things calm and under control in your house by:
- Baking a birthday cake for the baby and having your toddler blow out the candles
- Giving your toddler a special present “from” their new little sibling
- Asking your toddler to help with the baby (would you like to help me put this diaper on the baby? I think the baby is cold – what should we do to fix that?)
- Being understanding if they have a meltdown or potty regression – this is tough on them too but you will all get through it
- Spending a little one on one time each day with your toddler. Even if you can only manage ten minutes with no distractions while someone else holds the baby.
- Hiring a postpartum doula. Yes, doulas aren't just for the birth! Your postpartum doula will help your whole family enjoy a smoother transition. We can help with meals, snacks, and the household so you can focus on your kids; or play with and distract your kids while you get some rest – or a mix of everything. We'll help make everything in your home as “normal” and routine as possible for your kids.